How to Poop at Work

I know, I know. This topic can be offensive to some but you and everyone else has to learn how to handle this issue at work. Whether it is taking a dump or simply passing gas everyone should be aware of their surroundings because certain smells (even in the bathroom) can become a pet peeve.

So, if you find yourself needing relief, here is a handy guide I received by email to help you prevent others from getting peeved at you. This is the day Pet Peeving goes into the crapper.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to pare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will erase all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

"What if" Discover Cards Were Getting Cut?

If you haven't seen the new Discover Card commercial on television you should check it out. It's images of people tossing their credit cards into the streets where scissors are roaming like snakes on planes. Discover presents a series of questions that begin with "what if?" hoping you'll assume that Discover is the ideal credit card for you.

I'm sure Discover card would love for you to start cutting up all your other cards so that you can focus your efforts to charging everything on them. Since most Americans have more than one card, people have to decide which one to use every time they go shopping.

Well here's an idea - enter Dave Ramsey - cut up all your credit cards and pay cash. Discover what it's like to live debt free and with out credit cards. Stick to a budget and your check card. Credit card companies are today's pet peeve. Wait until you go one month after they conveniently lose your payment in the mail. Interest rates will be your next peeve.

One Dead Battery and a Lazy Worker

A friend of mine had a rough start to his day the other day. One of the many things that made the morning frustrating was when he stopped to get gas and discovered his battery was dead when he tried to start up again.

He was told that he ought to check out O'Reilly auto parts - they would test the battery and change it for free if that was indeed the problem. I would have recommended the same place as I have always had good experiences at O'Reilly.

One of the employees came out and tested the battery and sure enough - bad battery. However, he took one glance at the battery and said he couldn't change it. There's a special bolt on there that only the dealership can get off.

Now, I will still go to O'Reilly because I refuse to let one lazy employee make a bad impression. "Special bolt?" That's stupid! No car manufacturer is going to put on some kind of special bolt to keep someone from changing a battery anywhere else. My friend even called the dealership and as soon as he mentioned "O'Reilly", the dealer said he has had 3 or 4 people call recently about this "special bolt". I was actually impressed that the dealer said my friend could bring his car by but it would be a whole lot cheaper to go somewhere else to get it changed.

Incompetent people are one thing - they can be taught. Lazy people are simply a pet peeve.

Things Managers Say

There is a Joe's Crab Shack nearby that has a very nice setting for lunch. On pretty days several of us like to go over and enjoy lunch outside by the pond. Joe's has a very nice set up.

What they don't have is good lunch service. Dinner is a different story but back to lunch - it's horrible service. It's not just every now and then either. It's consistently bad. The only reason we continue going back to Joe's is or the nice outdoor seating. So far it has out-weighed the bad service.

However, the other day several of our guys went (I wasn't able to make it). They came back and gave the usual report when asked "how was it?" Only this time they said "we got lunch for free!" I wish had gone but instead decided to stay and eat my frozen corn dogs.

Anyway, they told the manager how upsetting it is to come back time after time and receive such poor service. According to co-workers, the manager responded "if service is so bad why do you keep coming back?"

WHAT!?!?! You've got to be kidding me. Was he trying just trying to create ill-will with his customers? Honestly, that comment is very insulting and that friends is a pet peeve - stupid comments and excuses from restaurant managers.

BTW - I once tried to complain at Joe's website but by the time I filled out the form I learned that there site didn't work properly in Firefox. Needless to say I was peeved again. Why DO I keep going back?

Where's a pet peeve?

Sorry everyone - I've been distacted the last few days and haven't shared any pet peeves lately. I am sure all 5 of you are very upset. So, back to peeving...

Elevator Etiquette

Elevators are nice. They take the burden of having to climb step after step to your destination. However, there are a lot of pet peeves that can be associated with elevators. Today I only want to address one of them.

When you arrive to your chosen floor, it's nice when you can just step off and go about your day. However, it's frustrating when the doors open and the people who are waiting for the elevator rush in before those who are already riding can get off.

People are just always in such a hurry. I guess their patience wears thin while waiting a few seconds for the elevator to come. I've also noticed that most of the time people are just going up or down a single floor. Wouldn't it have been better for them to just take the stairs?

So...the next time you are waiting on the lift - allow for those who are getting off - to get off!

Coca-Cola Cleans up GTA

I know a lot of people have pet peeves about video games that contain a lot of violence in them. If that describes you, then you may appreciate the following commercial that was done for Coca-Cola.

It takes the likeness of a popular video game, Grand Theft Auto, and transforms the violence into kindness after a refreshing coke. It's a result of "the Coke side of life" marketing campaign.

Swearing, Cursing, and Cussing

I recently stumbled across a blog post on the joys of cursing^*. It's an interesting debate - the topic of "Swearing, Cursing, and Cussing". A lot of times I don't pay much attention but sometimes a pet peeve of mine is the way people use profanity. Please keep in mind that if you want to think about this topic you will have to expose yourself to what some people refer to as "unwholesome thoughts".

I really like the statement "profanity is a sign of intellectual laziness." I don't want to risk turning this blog into a not-so-family-friendly-blog by giving examples. However, I don't think it is a stretch for you to think of times when people have used slang in such a way that there is no possible way for it to fit into context. Granted you have to know what certain words mean for those of you who are pure and innocent.

I'll admit - sometimes a well timed word provides emphasis, emotion, or a really good laugh. I don't want to get into any moral or religious debates, but seriously, if you are going to swear - know what you are saying.

^*Viewer discretion is advised for this link. Also, another pet peeve of mine is when people use misleading images to draw attention to their page.

Grocery Carts

I don't do a whole lot of shopping at the Grocery Store so you would think that most of the carts I get would be in good working condition - not so much. It seems that every time I do go shopping and require a cart, I spend more time looking for a cart that works than I do shopping.

Carts that don't work are totally pet peeves of mine. What do people do to their carts? It's not like you have to have any practice at driving them. Whether it is the wheel that squeaks, rattles or doesn't roll it's flat out frustrating when you get a crappy cart.

Then, what really gets me is when I get half way finished shopping and kick myself for not going back to find a better cart. At that point I don't feel like unloading everything into a new cart. I think stores should provide you with a free can of WD-40 if you get a cart that squeaks. What do you think?

Email Invitations

Every now and then I get invitations from people for special events like many of you. A lot of times people use services like evite and I really think they're great sites - very efficient and even fun to look at. However, a new pet peeve of mine are the people who feel like online invitations are a good idea for EVERYTHING.

If you are getting married, graduating, or have some other formal event that you want people to participate in, do it the old fashion way and send out a real invitation. Don't get lazy with a mass email.

Now, I did receive an email invitation from a coworker for a shower here at work - not a big deal. I'm cool with email invitations in certain settings, especially places like my office where everyone is a penny pincher. I'm curious though- what kind of events would you say are above online invitations?

Whose Drinking and Driving Parents?

There's no doubt that drinking and driving is a problem - especially with teens. Parents often worry about their kids on this issue. However, I ran across a lady today who made me think about the issue a little more.

I was in a public place and noticed a lady who appeared to be the only adult chaperoning 4 kids. She also had a beer in her hand. Obviously I wondered who would be driving home, since none of the kids even looked to be in their teens.

What gets me is...this isn't the first time I've seen an instance like this. I've seen a set of parents boozing in a restaurant while their kids sipped from the sippy cup. I have nothing against adults drinking responsibly and even if you don't succumb to the "influence" - set an example for crying out loud! Does anyone else appreciate having this pet peeve?

Kool-Aid: Need More Sugar?

Lately, I've started drinking Kool-Aid at work for several reasons. 1) It is inexpensive. 2) It isn't water. 3) It's better for me than carbonated beverages.

Also, it's a nice trip down memory lane every afternoon at 3:00. When I was growing up, I always looked forward to taking a big gulp out of the Kool-Aid pitcher after I walked home from the bus stop - Mom always knew how to make my Kool-Aid tasty and refreshing.

Well, today I was reminded of how my Granny never seemed to get it right on the first try. I went to make my own glass and when I tasted it - YUK - it needed more sugar. I recalled always having to convince Granny to add more sugar. I knew the difference between kool-aid and purple water.

It's a pet peeve when people don't make Kool-Aid sweet enough, but if it weren't for this minor annoyance I wouldn't think about how much I appreciated my mom and granny (even though kool-aid wasn't her forte).

I'm also not much on these new flavors. What ever happened to the good ole' flavors being enough? I always liked grape and cherry. What about you?

Treadmill Entertainment

Do you like to exercise? Yeah, me neither. One of the things I dread most is getting on a treadmill although it wouldn't hurt me to do it a little more often. I don't know that walking or running on a treadmill would be classified as a pet peeve but it is certainly not something I enjoy.

I am sure most people who have treadmills never use them. In fact, I just came into possession of one recently and it has spent more time out of use than it has in use. I've had it now for maybe 2 weeks and have used it 3 times. Already I am thinking about the possibilities of other uses for this treadmill. Please - feel free to suggest ideas. However, here is one way that I will NOT be using it so don't suggest it.

See Food - No Thanks

Here is a great pet peeve of many people - See food! Just in case it is your peeve I decided not to include a picture of someone chewing their food with their mouth wide open.

Now personally, I don't really care. It usually doesn't bother me when someone decides to chew their food with their mouth open, unless they are someone who just annoys the fire out of me anyways. In that case, it would probably bother me no matter how they choose to chew their food.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the fact that others have this peeve because it does help keep our society somewhat civil. For example, if you are having a heated discussion at dinner and someone says something you don't like, by having the discipline to chew your food with your mouth shut you give yourself enough time to think through your options.

• Option 1: Use the time to calm down and collect yourself so that you don't say something you regret.
• Option 2: Decide that you don't care about the consequences of your actions and chew your food enough so that it can be hurled across the table in liquid form.

So option 2 takes away from being civilized but I guess the real question is - Does it really matter if people chew with their mouth shut in public?

Flying in Planes: Kids vs. Fat People

Just think about that long flight across the country from LA to NY. You can't afford first class and coach is crowded. You find your seat and there you are with a mother and her 2 year old son crying louder than the roar of the engines. The head phones just aren't loud enough.

The bumping, the messes, the screaming, bathroom breaks every 15 minutes, - ah! Kids on planes can be a pet peeve can't they. As much as I wouldn't enjoy the scenario that is mentioned above, I can't decide which would be worse. Sitting next to a screaming kid or sitting next to a 400 pound man.

Let's appreciate this peeve by looking at the pros and cons of both? Any ideas?

The Funeral Celebration

In 2003, Harry Ewell, a long time ice cream vendor, decided to have his old ice cream truck lead the procession at his funeral. Then at the end of the procession the truck passed out pop sickles to everyone.

However, Harry Ewell isn't the only person making unusual arrangements. As baby boomers across the country begin making preparations for their funerals, there seems to be more options opening up for consumers. Hmm...this is the first time I thought of myself as a consumer at my own funeral but I guess I am.

At any rate, there seems to be an up and coming trend of funeral planners. Now understand, that these people are more like wedding planners than funeral home directors. How do I know? The quote from the New York Times says it all to me.

David E. Monn says he has discovered the biggest threat to a well-orchestrated event: the long speech...

"I have a pet peeve," he says. "No more than three minutes. It doesn't matter how much you loved someone, after you've heard someone drone on for five minutes you're annoyed."

Well, I agree that long speeches, especially ones that aren't written down and off the cuff, are often very annoying. It's a peeve of my own, just like outside weddings in June that last for an hour. Still, if a loved one wants to get up and say something at a funeral that happens to be longer than 3 minutes, I don't think your being annoyed should be compared to the hurt and mourning that person is going through.

So, on a lighter note - what kind of creative arrangements do you want at your funeral?

Talking at the Movies

With the prices of movies continuing to rise across the country, the cost can be a pet peeve itself. However, there is a larger issue at hand. It's those people who seem intent on ruining the movie for everyone else. A ran across a post entitled "The Movie Talker" and it got me thinking about this issue.

Then I ran across another statement by Gene Weingarten, columnist for the Washington Post.

"You know what I don't understand? Coughing. It seems like as soon as the lights dim at the movies, a half dozen people start coughing. What's that about[?]"

So, here is what I suggest trying, but haven't tried myself. When someone starts talking or coughing and refuses to leave, just get up and go sit in the seat right next to them. Americans hate that, unless the movie is packed. Then just stare at them. Maybe ask them if you could have some popcorn or a sip of their drink.

That's using the power of another pet peeve to overcome what is peeving you. Let me know if you every try it and it works. I am also open to other suggestions.

What's Peeving You?

The more people learn about Pet Peeving, the more people share their personal pet peeves with me. I love hearing what gets under the skin of others and thought that you may enjoy reading them too.

Simply post a comment below and share what's peeving you today. Every now and then, I will take the liberty of discussing further, some of the peeves listed.